My Journal 2010

My journal in 2009 was a little bit unorganized. I started out thinking that I would be able to document my entire life...but that ended up causing me stress that I was unable to cope with.

This year I have a few resolutions.

I normally don't make New Year's resolutions, but this time I"m going to give it a shot.

#1

I resolve to let loose just a little.

Most of the time when I am under stress it is due to some rule I have for myself. My study of cognitive therapy has shown me that I need to be more forgiving of myself, and allow for circumstances to dictate my actions rather that relying on how things "should" be.

#2

I resolve to follow my heart in all matters, and use my OWN judgment.

Looking back on this last year I realize that I have been looking to others to help me feel good about myself, and to let me know whether my behavior is good or bad.

I also realize that nobody will ever be able to appreciate my accomplishments as much as I do...as a matter of fact, I'm probably the only one other than my closest friends that knows how far I have come... so, I'm proud of me, and I am happy with myself.

As far as my behavior goes... people seem to have double standards about this. I've always believed that you should treat other people the way you wish to be treated. But there have been times when I have been called names, or ignored by people for doing something. Then I will make an effort to apologize and make amends for my behavior only to find myself being given the same treatment by them later. Then I'm stuck feeling angry about something I wouldn't normally be angry about... until I realize what happened when the shoe was on the other foot.

So it seems that I need to just let these people go if they feel the need to be this way with me in the future. This will leave room for me to have people in my life that will treat me with love and respect.

#3

I resolve to practice cognitive thinking and assertiveness more.

I guess I'm officially human. I get angry about things that are mostly in my own mind.

It's kind of an odd feeling to get angry or hurt when you have spent so long analyzing your own thoughts. The physical sensations that come with having hurt feelings and anger are very overwhelming...and of course come with negative self talk.

I'm getting better at identifying and talking myself into a calmer state. But I really feel that I need to practice doing it sooner, and having assertive responses while I am "in the moment." I still have the tendency to clam up and deal with it later...usually at next available similar situation. And doing that leaves room for my anger to grow.