My Journal October 7th - 13th 2009

My Journal October 7th 2009

It has been a while since I posted an entry into my journal. I was suffering from a bit of depression which I am now absolutely convinced was brought on by burnout.

Working in itself is difficult for someone with bipolar or anxiety disorders. I had been working for more than five months without a substantial break, and I wasn't even getting paid for my efforts! A website is truly hard work for anyone that is trying to do it on their own. I am responsible for writing, editing, design, and promotion. It takes up a LOT of my time and energy.

Ironically enough, the task of posting this journal to this website was just the right amount of effort to push me over the limit.

With everything else, I was able to break up my tasks and prioritize. but the journal has to be posted daily which makes it an extra responsibility that I have to squeeze into my day. With all of the other stresses in my life, I was unable to pull myself out of exhaustion. I was beginning to feel as though I might not be able to keep myself from shutting down completely, and so I decided it would be best to take a break.

I am really glad I made that decision.

Because I did, I was able to keep my depression and mania (from lack of sleep due to stress) from getting serious. I do feel it's necessary to report that I suffered some psychosis which involved what I have not yet confirmed as false memories. When I get a chance, and figure out how to broach the subject I will ask some people that would know whether my memory was playing tricks on me or not.

But for now, I am happy to be back to work! :)

My Journal October 8th 2009

So..I had some time while I was taking a break to think about bipolar disorder, and I came to the conclusion that I should learn more about it from different sources.

I went looking on YouTube and found a video. The video talked about one man's point of view that the mania in bipolar disorder is the mind's way of naturally releasing grief, and it shouldn't be suppressed, because it will eventually lead to a "rebirth" of your spirit.

I really enjoyed watching it. I tend to agree with the guy. He went into all the things that happen during a manic phase and why. Aside from feeling the need to pee everywhere (in fact I think with me it was more the odd feeling that I wanted to hold it for long periods of time) I actually went through all of the stages he described.

I found it interesting that his solution to the whole thing was finding two support people that would be willing to stay with you for 24 hours a day throughout your ordeal, and give you the much needed intimacy you would require to heal completely without taking advantage of you sexually.

Wouldn't that make everyone's life better? Show me two people I can count on to support me without taking advantage, and I'll show you a much more stable me. Maybe someday such a therapy will be available. But for now, we're stuck with cognitive therapy and assertiveness training which also only works in the right environment.

So all in all ... and forgive me if I seem to be a little negative in my journal today, it boils down to finding a good environment where there are people you can count on to be there for you and support you.

I've been searching for this place and these people. My reluctance to believe that such a place and people exists is called generalization in cognitive therapy.

Because in the past people in my life have generally not been there for whatever reason, I have this fear that it will continually be that way.

As a result, I sort of self fulfill that prophecy by being uncomfortable around people or clinging to them for dear life until they react ...usually by leaving.

I hope to be able to challenge this problem within myself. I look around at others and see that they are supported..so I know it is possible.

I just need to figure out how to "belong."

My Journal October 9, 2009

My journal entries I'm sure you have noticed are kind of chaotic.

As I said in the introduction page, I'm not going to always be documenting my progress with my treatment. Sometimes I'm just going to be venting.

We all need to do that, and I don't want to be fake in any way here.

If my life were going perfectly smoothly, there would be no need for this website to begin with! I think it is important for my readers to understand that I am a real person with real thoughts and feelings... and.. I have bipolar and anxiety disorder, so I am not always "stable." or "on track."

All I can promise is that I will try to be as honest about that as possible. This portion of my website in my opinion is not as important as the rest of it. I will be working to bring you as much quality information about bipolar and anxiety disorders and medication free treatments as I can.

Right now I am not making any money from this website even though I am paying around $300.00 a year to run it. Actually , I have made 48 cents from ad clicks. But I am not getting many of those, and so that is my grand total income from this site for the last week since I added them.

If that changes I will let you know. But I am thinking that I may have to begin selling things in order to be able to afford to keep this running.

We'll see.

My Journal October 13th 2009

Today is actually the 15th. I've spent a good amount of time during the last week searching through bipolar videos so that I can build that page and I decided after this last burnout phase, I should be more careful about how much work I try to do during the day. Exhausting myself is counterproductive and as I said before, out of everything else in this website, my journal is my last priority.

Aside from journal entries, I seem to be more on track. At least my sleep schedule has gotten better.

Emotionally I've been experiencing some ups and downs. I have some issues with other people that need to be dealt with, and I'm not sure how to do it. There is more than one option for both cases, and the outcome of either option could be heartbreaking for me. Even with assertive communication there is never any certainty when others are involved.

For now I will just continue to focus on the website.